Sam & Max: Hit the Evil
by Clovis15
Summary: Sam & Max take on the Raincoat Corporation in a parody of Resident Evil. Written back in '98.


(Open with scene of Sam and Max watching T.V. The phone rings and they fight with each other to be the first to get to the phone. Sam ties Max in a chair then picks up the phone.)  
  
SAM: Hello? I see. You want us to come over? Infestation problem? Bring arsenal? We'll be right over.  
  
(Sam walks over to Max and unties him.)  
  
MAX: Sam, while I was bound and gagged, I could not help but to over hear you say the word arsenal. Is there any chance that this assignment could involve wanton violence and destruction?  
  
SAM: Very likely, I'll tell you all about it on the way there.  
  
(Fade to scene of Sam and Max in their car, Sam is driving of course. Max is jumping up and down with excitement.)  
  
MAX: So you're saying they made a chemical that turns people into zombies, and now that the company is becoming fully automated, they slipped the chemical into the employee's lunches to get rid of them?  
  
SAM: That's about it, isn't capitalism great. Only thing is, the zombies are destroying the factory, and they want us to get rid of them all.  
  
MAX: (holding a double barrel shotgun) This will be fun.  
  
(Max steers the car into the drive way of the RAINCOAT corpoartion automated factory. As he does so he passes a billboard that reads, "MICROSHAFT: WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!")  
  
SAM: We're here, let's go!  
  
(Before Sam and Max can get out of the car they are attacked by two zombies trying to get in.)  
  
ZOMBIES: WE WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!  
  
MAX: You're in the wrong movie, "Night of the Living Dead" is that way.  
  
ZOMBIE 1: Sorry.  
  
ZOMBIE 2: Our bad.  
  
(The two zombies shuffle off screen)  
  
MAX: Extras, nothing but trouble.  
  
(Sam and Max walk over to the giant front door of the RAINCOAT Corp. factory. Sam examines the door)  
  
SAM: The door is locked, and made of titanium. There's only one thing to do.  
  
MAX: You mean?  
  
SAM: Max, kick the door in.  
  
MAX: I'm going to need some running room.  
  
(Camera follows Max as he runs away, when Max stops running he is next to a pyramid. He then starts running again. When he arrives he runs straight into the door at full speed. He leaves a hole in the door that is his shape.)  
  
SAM: Only in a cartoon would that work, but then again it's much more fun to watch Max use his head to open the door than it is to see it get blown up. (Max walks back out through the hole in the door)  
  
MAX: Sam, that door was unlocked.  
  
(Sam reaches over to the knob and it turns with no problems.)  
  
SAM: My mistake.  
  
(Sam and Max enter the building, both holding a "Saturday Night Special")  
  
MAX: Maybe when we're done mopping up here we can play Russian Roulet.  
  
SAM: Only if we can get the President to play with us. (they walk into a hall way full of doors) Which door do you think we should take Max?  
  
MAX: (Scans the hallway) My keen detective senses tell me the door splaterred with blood might be a good choice.  
  
SAM: It seems like the obvious choice.  
  
(Sam and Max kick down the door and walk in with guns drawn. Thousands of zombies are walking all over the room smashing ever piece of equipment they find.)  
  
SAM: Wanton violence is our forté, you're all under arrest!  
  
(All the zombies start shuffeling towards Sam and Max with arms extended forward.)  
  
MAX: (Starts shooting the closest Zombie to him) NO! They're going to hug us!  
  
SAM: (Who is also shooting a Zombie) I don't know, their out stretched hands don't seem to be in friendship.  
  
MAX: (Getting angry) There's too many of them. I'm going to resort to plan B.  
  
(Max reachs into his pocket and pulls out a bazooka.)  
  
SAM: Max, do you know what two things are wrong with what you just did?  
  
MAX: Uh... nope.  
  
SAM: First of all, you don't have any pockets, and secondly that bazooka is bigger than you are, and therefore wouldn't fit in any pocket!  
  
MAX: Sam, we shouldn't really be debating this when we're being attacked by a horde of zombies.  
  
SAM: I guess so, but it still ends up breaking the law of physics.  
  
MAX: Sam, I've never studied law, I'm a rabbit not a lawyer!  
  
(Max fires the bazooka at the center of the approaching Zombies. There is an explosion and Zombie parts fly all over. Max picks up a Zombie head.)  
  
MAX: Can I keep it as a souvenier?  
  
(Zombies start entering the room through the door Sam and Max kicked down.)  
  
SAM: No, let's get out of here.  
  
(Max throws the head into a Zombie knocking him down. They then both run into the next room. In the next room they find a scientist that is almost dead.)  
  
SAM: Are you okay?  
  
SCIENTIST: No I am not okay, I have bite marks all over and am missing a leg, do I LOOK OKAY!  
  
MAX: Look, we've got to clean this place clean of Zombies, do you know of any way we can get it done quickly?  
  
SCIENTIST: Yes, you could set the place to self destruct.  
  
SAM: Now there's a movie cliché if I've ever seen one.  
  
(Sam and Max turn to leave)  
  
SCIENTIST: Wait, most of the zombies are in the reactor room, you'll need this.  
  
(The scientist hands Sam a small brown pill. Sam looks it over.)  
  
SAM: It says WARNING, HIGHLY CONDENSED BEANS.  
  
SCIENTIST: It's the only weapon that'll work against them in such numbers. Swallow it now!  
  
MAX: Wait, if it's a weapon, then why should Sam kill himself with it?  
  
SCIENTIST: Just do it.  
  
SAM: Okay Mr. Nike, I'll swallow your pill. But shouldn't I wait until we get to the Zombies themselves?  
  
SCIENTIST: My name is not Nike! It takes time for it to take effect, swallow it now!  
  
(Sam puts the pill in his mouth and swallows.)  
  
SAM: I don't feel any different, are you sure this'll work?  
  
MAX: (With head next to Scientist mouth) Sam, I think he's stopped breathing, either that or I've lost my hearing from listening to too much heavy metal.  
  
SAM: There's nothing wrong with loud music, he must be dead.  
  
(Sam and Max turn to leave, but the scientist, who is now a Zombie, gets up and grabs Sam.)  
  
SAM: (Grabs zombie and throws him into the wall) Kiyaaa!  
  
(The zombie hits the wall and turns to dust. Max walks over the remains of the zombie and pulls out a map.)  
  
SAM: Good work, this will show us how to get to the reactor.  
  
(Sam and Max leave this room and go back into the room they just came from)  
  
SAM: Hmm, it seems that the zombies that chased us out of this room are too busy eating the zombies we blew up to notice us.  
  
MAX: Life is good.  
  
(Sam and Max tip toe past the feasting zombies into the main hallway. Sam pulls out the map.)  
  
SAM: Lets see, if the map is correct, the reactor room will be at the end of this hall.  
  
(Sam and Max begin running down the hall. A business man in a suit being chased by a Zombie comes near them as they near the other end of the hall. Sam shoots the business man.)  
  
MAX: Why'd you do that?  
  
SAM: He's a corporate head hunter, ten times worse than a zombie.  
  
(Sam then tries to shoot the zombie, but is out of ammo.)  
  
SAM: Max, sick'em!  
  
(Max runs over to the Zombie and tears him limb to limb, blood flies everywhere.)  
  
SAM: Y'know, you almost make me feel sorry for the zombie!  
  
MAX: Why thank you for the compliment.  
  
(Sam and Max enter a door labeled REACTOR ROOM and begin walking down a set of stairs)  
  
MAX: So, do you feel any stronger from that pill the scientist gave you?  
  
SAM: No, but I do feel a major gas attack coming on.  
  
(Max pulls a gasmask from his pocket)  
  
MAX: Guess I better get ready.  
  
(At the end of the stairway they find a giant reactor surrounded by thousands of Zombies.)  
  
MAX: If only I had my Do-It-Yourself Nuclear Terrorist Kit.  
  
SAM: If it's any consolation, I think I'm going to blow.  
  
(A hissing sound can be heard for the next 5 minutes as wave after wave of hot air comes from Sam's rear. The reactor room is now filled with a brown haze and piles of dead or dying Zombies.)  
  
MAX: Now if only we could find a way of blowing this place up.  
  
SAM: (Pointing at a big red button) How about this big red button labeled DON'T PUSH?  
  
MAX: (Jumping up and down) Ooh, allow me the honors!  
  
(Max pushes the button)  
  
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: THIS PLACE WILL NOW BLOW UP IN 1 MINUTE, HAVE A NICE DAY, AND REMEMBER TO ALWAYS USE AUTO-DESTRUCT BRAND PRODUCTS.  
  
(Sam and Max look to each other then begin to run like crazy for the exit. Once outside of the factory they are greeted by the president of the RAINCOAT Corp.)  
  
PRESIDENT: On behalf of the RAINCOAT Corp. and all of it's shareholders I'd like to honor you with a check for 1 hundred billion dollars.  
  
(As he begins to make out the check, the factory blows, and a chunk of it lands on him squashing him.)  
  
MAX: Maybe he's still okay.  
  
(Sam lifts the piece up and looks underneath, then quickly puts it back down.)  
  
MAX: Was he okay?  
  
SAM: Uh, no, let's get out of here before he turns into a zombie or something.  
  
MAX: Can we stop at the arcade on the way home and play WHITE HOUSE OF THE DEAD III?  
  
SAM: Only if governmental censor types haven't dubbed it inappropriate before we get there.  
  
THE END 


End file.
